Instant Anger Mangement

Notwithstanding an advice book with a chapter (18) titled “Don’t Give Advice” there were some relatable passages.

Here are more common examples of events or issues that can trigger anger:…..Being falsely accused (page 1)

Anger is an instinctual emotional response triggered by a real or imagined threat. Because anger is painful, we seek relief….Anger management involves not saying or doing something that we will later regret. (page 3)

To break the anger habit, we must develop an awareness of the events, circumstances, and behaviors of others that trigger our anger. (page 4)

The key to our experience of emotion is our interpretation of events – not the events themselves. (page 12)

Sometimes struggle is exactly what we need in our life. If nature allowed us to go through life without any frustration, we would not be as strong as we are. Tolerating frustration is hard, but that is what gives value to our accomplishment. (page 52)

This self-imposed task of changing others for their own good is based on the presumption that we know what’s best. (pages 57-8)

Stop agreeing with your negative thoughts. It’s better to just notice them and not give them that much weight. (page 62)

When we stew, chew, or brood, we are investing our energy in an angry thought and, in turn, increasing its significance. By not giving significance to angry thoughts, we rob them of their impact and reduce their ability to reoccur. (page 63)

forgiving bad behavior is not the same thing as forgetting or condoning the behavior. (page 64)

We may even entertain fantasies of someday achieving revenge by hurting the people who have hurt us. Does this dream of vindication in the unspecified future make us happy right now, or does it merely prevent us from living our life? Our anger is pushing us to put these people first and ourselves last. Life is too short for this petty spitefulness. We pay a high price for reserving the right to be as cruel to others as they were to us. (page 64)

Let go of our intention to control the situation. We can focus instead on controlling our reactions to the provocation. (page 67)

Is this really a problem at all? If you view what happened in a different way, is it actually an opportunity to do something well? If you can deal with the situation, then this will be a major triumph for you. If you take the problem on, then you will learn from it, whatever the outcome. (page 70)

Is this feeling about the person or about the situation? This distinction makes us better able to emotionally distance ourselves from others’ actions. (page 72)

We can choose not to take others’ words as fact. We can agree that they feel the way they feel, but we can keep our version of the facts to ourselves. This is called discretion, which is the power to choose how much we wish to reveal and when. (pages 74-5)

You have no way of stating with certainty that anything would have been better if events had worked out differently, the way you originally wanted. It’s only one theory that life would be better if something had happened your way, and you may very well have been worse off. (pages 102-3)

Ignoring the positive. We focus on the negative aspects of a situation and ignore the positive. For example, we are given many compliments, but we fixate instead on a single piece of negative feedback. (page 104)

Seeing situations as unfair. We believe there’s an absolute standard when there’s not one. But to say that something is fair or unfair is to make a subjective judgment on the basis of what you want, need, or expect from a particular situation. (page 105)

Our brain has what scientists call a negativity bias – commonly described as Velcro for the bad, Teflon for the good. (page 109)

Being right is irrelevant. Others feel the way they feel. It is irrational and unhelpful to suggest that they should feel or perceive something differently. To do so implies that perceptions and emotions are objective and consistent, which is not true. (pages 125-6)

In short, people very often simply want empathy and they can feel worse, alone, or misunderstood if the would-be listener goes into problem-solving mode. (page 127)

Life will always be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You cannot change that. But you can change the way you let such events affect you. (page 152)

One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Arthur Teiler on June 27, 2022 at 9:56 pm

    Excellent advice on don’t give advise. That’s how I tried to raise my kids, didn’t get through as well as I should, they did okay anyway now they are grandparents

    Arthur Teiler, ASA, EA,

    Reply

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